Pagan Humor

How To Become A Witch
in Nine Easy Lessons

By Don McLeod

Please note that this page is in the Humor section of this site and is not meant to be an accurate or actual depiction of witches. Duh.

In the 1980s, it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age. This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and in order to be accepted in the current metaphysical social set, one must have an interest in witchcraft or paganism. Of course, you don't have to actually belong to a coven to be thought of as a witch; you can bluff your way into being accepted as a full-fledged witch simply by knowing a few terms and dressing accordingly. This brings us to. . .

Rule # 1: Image is Everything.

After all, what's the good of being a witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For women (and adventurous males), dark eyeliner and black nail polish can enhance this look. Wear crystals and cheap occult paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image. Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary accessory — the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional around town — it depends on how much of a visual impact you want to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any ritual or gathering that you may attend.

Rule # 2: Name Dropping is Good.

Every serious student of the craft (and I'm talking here about the term for witchcraft, not macrame) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalised witchcraft in the 1950s with his book about the true history of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches, drop his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.

Rule # 3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better.

Tell everyone about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to remember a past lifetime as a witch who was killed during the Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist. My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro, Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of Bewitched.

Rule # 4: Behave Strangely.

Never forget why it was that you wanted to become a witch — yes, so that you have an excuse for strange behaviour. Behavior patterns previously labeled “eccentric” can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain them, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is simply, “He/she is a Witch. That's normal for them, evidently.” So don't let your friends down — behave strangely. You can get away with it now.

Rule # 5: Watch Occult Movies.

Make sure that you watch the movie Warlock lots of times to perfect those soft landings after over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).

Rule # 6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power.

Wasn't this the other reason you were drawn to witchcraft? In the past, Adepts of the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty, and powerful personas. When people find out that you are a witch, they may automatically assume you have (and therefore empower you with) these same qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately, in today's world, another group of people have become even more established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited power — yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of power-brokers… they don't want any competition to their manipulative monopoly over the gullible public, hence the laws against witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead you to unlimited sex, money and power — or if it does, but you then find yourself as the target of political and legal harassment ' you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick and pick up a pinstriped suit and a back bench in Parliament. If you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work… join them!

Rule # 7: Atmosphere is Essential.

Your home must reflect your witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a spluttering censer in the corner of your dim, dank, and dusty home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes, or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and furniture helps to neutralise the highly charged psychic energy that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.

Rule # 8: Be Patronizing to Christians.

In social discussions, don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about fundamentalist Christians, and remember to save your most biting comments for other witches that you don't get along with.

Rule # 9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers.

Any self-respecting witch will tell you that after their initiation to witchcraft, their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get something right once in a while). They will also tell you that they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to detect Ley lines, but try to remember that a Ley line is not a queue for the after-ritual orgy!

Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded by too much incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!

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