Pagan Humor

The Initiation Ritual Into the
Mystery Cult of Bill the Cat

by Lady Orenda and Lady Nightwind

Circle Setup

Erect a Bill the Cat altar in the center of the circle or near a fire pit. In the west, place a partially-full bottle or can of beer (the worst you can find, containing enough to anoint your initiates). In the north, place an ashtray filled with sand. Near the altar, place a spittoon (optional).

Altar Setup

Announcement by the High Priest: Folks, this is a ritual that is appropriately offensive. If, at the end of the ritual, you aren't sufficiently offended, come up and see me and I'll offend you personally.

Gather coveners together and teach them this chant: Ack, Ack, Ack, Plbb, Plbb, Plbb. Repeat as a group until you get tired of it. Put a pinch of incense on the charcoal.

Cast Circle

The High Priest takes a can of Pet Fresh Carpet Deodorizer, and walks around the perimeter of the circle sprinkling Pet Fresh. If outside, you may throw kitty litter.

High Priest: “We are gathered in a sandbox that is not a sandbox.” Repeat as necessary. Call The Quarters. The HPS takes the cigarettes and lighter from altar and walks to the south. She ights a cigarette, waves the cigarette at the sound, and says “Are ya ready for the show?”

Petitioners assent: Yeah, Sure, why Not?, …, What? etc.

Oath Taking

High Priest: “I, (state your name), of my own free will and accord, do hereby swear to honor the discordian deity, Bill the Cat, Lord of Humor, Perversity and Disgusting Noises. I promise to go for the Cheap Jokes, indulge in Excessive Behavior and always maintain my sense of the Ridiculous. I swear never to take my religion so seriously that I forget to laugh, and as token thereof do I give fourth of my bodily fluids.”

Spit into fire or spittoon.

Anoint and Cleanse Initiates

High Priest takes beer or soda from altar and anoints forehead of each initiate with the cough of “Ack!” Mayo mixed with tuna juice, or peanut butter, may be substituted for those with a kinkier mindset. Replace anointing fluid on altar. HPS censes each initiate with catnip incense.

Charge of Bill the Cat

High Priest: “Hear now the charge of Bill the Cat! Whenever you have need, once in a while and better it be when your mouth is full, then shall you spew forth in some public house or private place or anywhere that persons may be gathered, and adore me, Bill the Cat, prince of all vulgarity. You who would indulge in lewd or disgusting acts but have not yet reached true depravity, these will I teach true excess and the art of making rude bodily noises, for I am come to tell you if it looketh gross and/or feeleth good, if others need to turn away in embarrassment or disgust, if it causeth others to burst forth in uncontrolled laughter, and if none be truly harmed, then have you stumbled into true oneness with the great spirit of Bill. And as a sign that you are truly free, you should be naked in your rites, for then shall there be no fumbling with clothing in your drunken quest for the naughty bits. And spread humor, good will, and anything else that needs spreading. All in my name, crying: Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb! Hail Bill!”

Libations and Toasting

High Priestess burns a pinch of incense and opens beer. She takes a swig of beer and spits into the fire (or altar or spittoon), then passes the beer to the initiate/covener on the left who repeats the process. After everyone has toasted Bill, beer is poured over his head and the bottle or can is replaced on the altar. Pass the cat dish of Goldfish shaped crackers.

Inner Mystery

High Priest: “Hear now the inner mystery of Bill the Cat as told to us by Orenda, co-founding High Priestess of Bill the Cat: Why do you wrap hamsters in electrical tape? So they don't explode when you fuck them!”


High Priestess: “Initiates, you are now full empowered priests and priestesses of Bill the Cat, entitled to set up your own shrines and to initiate others. Go forth and spread the word (and anything else that needs spreading). Bill the Cat: he's hot, he's hip, and he's hairy. Hail Bill!”

All: “Ack! Ack! Ack! Plbb! Plbb! Plbb!”


High Priest: “Thanks, Bill. Y'all come on back now, hear?”

High Priest walks to the west and waves, intoning: “Bye-bye!” Repeat to east, then south, then north, or in any random order.

High Priest: “Th-th-that's all, folks! It's Miller time!”

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