Many people are aware of the “kitchen witch,” but fewer people are aware of the “kitchen ceremonial magician.” This is due to the fact that kitchen ceremonial magic had been a secret tradition for decades. But the time for such secrecy is past, since kitchen ceremonial magic can play an important role in confronting everyday domestic problems. For example, suppose you are unexpectedly called upon to prepare a meal for others, but are unsure of your ability to cook. You will find it prudent to practice the time-honored ritual of kitchen ceremonial magic:
To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle and face East.
You are ready to begin. With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say,
Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, and say,
“TV dinners, be gone!”
Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, and say,
“Ramen instant noodles, be gone!”
Move to the North. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, and say,
“Mystery meat in a can, be gone!”
Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following:
“Before me, Martha Stewart.
Behind me, Betty Crocker.
To my right side, Julia Child.
To my left side, Martha Stewart, again!”
Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim,
“For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal.”
Clap your hands three times and say,
“It's a good thing.”
The rite is over. If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP!