You ask why the instrument of procreation has been painted on the memorable tablet. When by accident I had bruised my penis, and wretched with suffering, dreaded the hand of the surgeon (moreover I was afraid to give the cure of my mentule to the legitimate and almighty gods, such as Phoebus, for instance, and Phoebus's son), 'Help, O Priapus,' quoth I, 'help thou the part whose very counterpart, O Sire, thou seemest; and if thou shalt restore it safely to health without amputation, I will consecrate to thee, painted on a tablet, a very facsimile of it, alike in size, shape and colour! 'The God promised; for nod bobbed his mentule; and has granted my prayer.
[1. Pacificus Maximus addresses a similar entreaty to Priapus, when suffering from the pox, offering, if cured, to dedicate to the god a waxen column equal in size to that of the sufferer. Cures were sought to such "morbi venerii" as "inflamatio coleomm" (swollen testicles), "tubercula circa glandem" (warts on the glans penis), "cancri carbunculi" (chancre or shanker) and a few others.
2. Phoebus was the god of the healing art. Aesculapius was his son.
3. Reminding one of Don Juan's healthy horror when they proposed to circumcise him.
4. Parodying the majestic nod of Jupiter when grating a request.]