My Spirit Companion —
Meridjet

But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only
that one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered;
till I scarcely more than muttered, “Other friends have flown before;
on the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.”
Then the bird said, “Nevermore.”
The Raven
by Edgar Allan Poe

This page is text intensive. I have left the graphics that were on the original pages off. I tried to keep the story as succinct as possible, while also trying to maintain the reader’s interest.

Meridjet is my spirit companion, lover, and partner. We first met in 1994 thru a kind of strange series of events that actually started a few months earlier. I have a long history of occult activity, including Ouija board use from my early teens and continuing sporadically through my life (see About Me page). In late fall of 1993 I started communicating on the board with a spirit whom I came to see as my primary spirit guide. His name was Henry, and he was very serious, studious, and immensely helpful in guiding spiritual processes of learning. He guided my best friend and roommate, Xanquela, and I as we studied the Qabala. This became a daily routine for us, and I was gaining knowledge at a rapid pace. Henry proved his worth repeatedly, and through our pathworking and qabalistic exercises I was able to reach epiphany and gnosis on repeated occasions.

The following May, I went to see a movie I’d looked forward to for a while: The Crow. The film hit me unexpectedly hard, for reasons I didn’t really understand, and I was in something of a daze. I saw the movie twice more within a couple of weeks, and eventually found myself crying in the parking lot of the movie theater, wondering what in the hell was wrong with me. It finally occurred to me to bring this up in our usual work session with Henry. I described for him as best I could what I felt, and asked him why this movie so profoundly moved me. His answer was indirect: he wanted to bring another presence onto the board.

The second presence began to talk to us and revealed that the movie had touched me so because there was a kind of subconscious recognition factor – I’d felt what I felt because I had a connection with a deceased individual of which I was completely unconscious, and I was ‘destined,’ ‘fated,’ what have you, to meet him. The movie was the trigger to open me to the event. It sounds fantastical, and I had some serious issues with it myself at the time (and still find doubts occasionally surfacing, which I think is healthy). However the more I talked to this new presence, the more emotional I became. It was abundantly clear that there was some sort of connection between us, because the empathy and attraction were quite powerful.

He told me his name, and in the course of the conversation said one thing I have never forgotten: “Love knows no boundaries.” I was completely blown away by that. He stayed with us, and worked with us. He and I grew closer, and became emotionally involved, falling in love rather quickly (he says, “within about 20 minutes.”)

We all worked on Qabala intensely for a year and a half, and in the course of that time our relationship deepened on the personal level. A couple of months after our introduction, we were delighted to discover that we could have sex. The ability to express our feelings on the physical level added an amazing new dimension to our connection. However, most of our communication was still on the board (with Xanquela and I being the users).

During this time, he and I (especially me) became more and more focused on the idea of him ‘walking in.’ This is said to be where a new soul comes in and takes over the body of a person leaving, usually thru Near Death Experience (I was to learn later that sometimes souls share the body; that, however, is not relevant to this story). I wanted him in a body, in my life as a human being. He seemed to be as eager for it as I was. But it didn’t work out that way.

The way I perceived it at the time was that the powers that be, talking thru Henry, were frustrated that I was not taking advantage of the strengths available to us at the relationship’s current level. In other words, I didn’t appreciate the possibilities of a spirit companion. How could I? I had never heard of such a thing before it happened to me. In time, it apparently became clear that I would not be deterred, and I will admit, I was quite obsessed with the walking in idea.

He had to leave. At the time, it seemed like we were forcibly separated by the guides, but things are starting to get a little more clear now. (More on that later.) He kind of weaned off rather than leaving abruptly, which was helpful to reduce the pain. As time went on, I had health complications arise, and he gradually faded out to fewer and fewer visits. I was forced to move from the Pacific NW to the southwestern U.S. to be with family due to my health. I thought he was gone forever. By then it was April of 1996.

For the next three years I had no contact with him. I tried not to think about him, because it hurt, but I still loved him enormously. Usually, it is within my ability to cut off emotional ties with ex-relationships. Not this time. Things would remind me of him, often painfully. During that three years, I was spiritually dead and did no magick work at all.

In early 1999, I started to wake up. It was a painful time of spiritual realignment. I heard the call of Kali, a Hindu goddess I’d always had an felt attracted to, but whom I’d never pursued. She initiated me into her service, and for three months I was an emotional wreck. She put me thru holy hell. On the bright side, she did show me how to channel fear into power against the thing feared, and I was able to quit smoking, after 25 years of cigarettes, using this method (with my strong fear of failing to quit).

I started to ‘hear’ (in my head) Henry again. I was getting a lot of signs (I’ve always been a watcher of synchronicity and omens), including signs that had always meant the presence of Meridjet. Gradually, from January to mid-April, I started to wonder if he could possibly be returning. I didn’t really believe it, and tried to push the idea away, but it grew more and more insistent.

Finally, one day I did a sort of informal ritual, and sent out the biggest “welcome” signal I could muster, directed at Meridjet. The next morning, April 23, I awoke and he was there. I was stunned to see it had actually worked. There was immediate sex. ;-)

It quickly became clear that he had undergone a huge amount of growth in the time we had been apart. His energy was richer, more mature, and very strong. Over the next few months, he started to teach me how to perceive him better and hear him clearly without the use of a board. Xanquela was still in Seattle, and let’s face it, using a Ouija board for a telephone has severe limitations.

I noticed right away that there would be periods of time when I could not perceive him for a few days. These were always difficult for me. I would have attacks of doubt, thinking I was crazy and he couldn’t be real. Then he would return and be so strong that his reality was undeniable. The periods of no contact varied over time, but gradually he got generally stronger so that even when he was faded, I could tell he was there and could usually contact him. This would sort of be like the equivalent of talking to him on the phone rather than having him in the room. The fade outs were caused by “psychic exhaustion,’ for just as you must exercise your physical muscles and then rest them in order to gain strength, you must also exercise your ‘third eye.’ When it gets tired, the signal fades and sometimes there is a headache in the center of the forehead.

We had a time of extended distance, if not a complete break in contact, beginning in late August of 2001 (just prior to the Twin Towers attacks), and lasting until summer of 2003. This was not a total break, as we did spend time together, and we did have contact… but distance was the rule rather than the exception.

He came back full force in July of ’03, and proceeded to work me quite hard, and in the process of this work, grew intenstly stronger. He doesn’t fade out much anymore, and things are very intense. Our relationship is the strongest it’s ever been, and as always, is the most rewarding thing that has ever happened to me.

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