The Fable Of The Foozie And The Successful : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE FOOZIE & THE SUCCESSFUL APPROACH EVERY year a lot of Americans went over to London to rub up against the Aristocracy, if possible. One year two Men went over. They intended to hang around and look Wistful until the Nobility...
The Fable Of The Bureau Of Public Comfort : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE BUREAU OF PUBLIC COMFORT that is, if he was Small enough to remember it. The next who came in was a Man with hardly any Chin. He wanted a Free Sample of Liver Pills and an Almanac telling the Date of the Battle of New Orleans, when...
The Fable Of The Horse Maniac And What Caused : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE HORSE MANIAC & WHAT CAUSED THE FILING OF THE SUIT THERE was once a Man who owned a Family Nag named Dolly that went flat-footed and kept her Nose on the Ground. She was good for All Day, but she had the Gait of a Side-Wheeler and no...
The Fable Of Uncle Silas And The Matrimonial Game : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF UNCLE SILAS & THE MATRIMONIAL GAME UNCLE SILAS was a County-Seat Oracle. When he backed up to the Soft Coal Stove in the Grocery Store and parted his Coat-tails and began to breathe Wisdom, every one else Sang Low. He would give...
The Fable Of The Wise Piker Who Had The Kind : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE WISE PIKER WHO HAD THE KIND OF TALK THAT WENT ONCE there was a man who wore a Six Hat and had a Head shaped like an Egg Plant. He had not found time to sit down and absorb Culture. Yet he had to go out and meet the high Mansard...
The Fable Of The Husband Who Showed Up : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE HUSBAND WHO SHOWED UP & DID THE BEST HE KNEW HOW ONCE there was a Wife who Entertained a great deal. She was all the time fixing up Layer Cakes, Combination Salad, Siberian Punch and Salted Almonds, even though the Bills piled up...
The Fable Of The Boston Biologist : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE BOSTON BIOLOGIST & THE NATIVE WITH THE BLUE HARDWARE DOWN in the Ague Belt there was a town called Miasma. It needed Paint, Sidewalks, Tooth-Brushes and Bibles. Everybody in Miasma believed that the Sun rose just in the edge of Widow...
The Fable Of How Grandma Shattered An Idol : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF HOW GRANDMA SHATTERED AN IDOL AND MADE IT EASY FOR THE CHILDREN A THEORETICAL Parent was accustomed to jawing his Children. He hectored them and found Fault. He thought the Cherubim ought to sit up straight all Day and keep their Hands...
The Fable Of The Undecided Brunette : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE UNDECIDED BRUNETTE & THE TWO CANDIDATES A DARK-EYED Maiden was being Rushed by a Cheap Man and a Provider. They took Turn About in coming up to the House. She was a Child Wonder when it came to spreading her Dates so that one...
The Fable Of The People's Choice Who Answered : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE WHO ANSWERED THE CALL OF DUTY & TOOK SELTZER THE King-Pins of a Great Party decided that the City Ticket could not be elected, so they decided to Recognize the Better Element. If it had been an air-tight certainty...
The Fable Of The Two Wives Who Talked : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE TWO WIVES WHO TALKED ABOUT THEIR HUSBANDS A CERTAIN Mrs. A. had a Way of reading the Riot Act to the Other Half of the Domestic Sketch. She was constantly rebuking him for making Bad Breaks. When he bought Striped Shirts...
The Fable Of The Satiated Globe Trotter Who : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE SATIATED GLOBE-TROTTER WHO FOUND A NEW KIND OF NERVE TWISTER WAITING FOR HIM AT HOME HE was a cold-blooded Tourist who had been Everywhere. He had seen so many Sights that now nothing could Move him. Everything under the Shining...
The Fable Of The Good Fellow Who Got : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE GOOD FELLOW WHO GOT THE SHORT END OF IT LIVING in a Country Town there was a Boy who was Easy. When the Gang went fishing they took Him along to carry the Bait, and when they went Swimming in the Deep Hole, he had to stay on the Bank...
The Fable Of The Good People Who Rallied : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE GOOD PEOPLE WHO RALLIED TO THE SUPPORT OF THE CHURCH A CONGREGATION needed Money for repairing the Church, so the Women got together and decided to hold a Raspberry Festival. Sister Frisbie invited them to come and Carouse on her...
The Fable Of The Bookworm And The Butterfly : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE BOOKWORM AND THE BUTTERFLY WHO WENT INTO THE LAW TWO Brothers started away to College at the same Time. Just before they boarded the Train, Pa led them aside and handed them some splendid Advice. He told them that they were now ready...
The Fable Of The Last Day At School : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE LAST DAY AT SCHOOL in fact, my Experience is that it is pretty hard to Rake Up, even when you want it and want it Bad. Probably you have given more Thought to this Matter than I have, but if you don't mind being steered a little, I...
The Fable Of The Skittish Widower Who Tried : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE SKITTISH WIDOWER WHO TRIED TO SET HIMSELF BACK SOME THIRTY TEARS ONCE there was a Self-Made Citizen who manufactured a Patent Churn. He had been married for thirty-four Years and had three Children who were Grown Up and Settled. He...
The Fable Of This Year's St. George : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THIS YEAR'S ST. GEORGE & THE 800 MICROSCOPIC DRAGONS FOR many years a thoughtless Man had been plugging along, eating three Square Ones each Day, gaining about a Pound a Month, and not taking any Care of himself at all. One Night he...
Title Page : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], FORTY MODERN FABLES BY GEORGE ADE NEW YORK R.H. RUSSELL [1901] Scanned by Eliza Yetter, 2006. Additional proofing and formatting. This text is in the public domain in the United States because it was published prior to January 1st, 1923. These files...
The Fable Of The Sure Thing Crook : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE SURE-THING CROOK especially the Costs, because that was where the Home Talent came in. By the time the Squire, the Marshal, the Prosecutor, the Attorney for the Defence, the Clerk and the Twelve Jurors cut into the Eighty, they had...
The Fable Of The Old Time Pedagogue Who Came : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE OLD-TIME PEDAGOGUE WHO CAME DOWN FROM THE SHELF AND WAS SUFFICIENTLY BUMPED ONCE there was a hard-grained Old-Timer who was living in the Past. He dated back to the Time when the Man who could sport a Velvet Vest and a pair...
The Fable Of The Low Down Expert On The Subject : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE LOW-DOWN EXPERT ON THE SUBJECT OF BABIES YOUNG Parents have a way of bragging about their Offspring. Once there was a Mean Man who became weary of their Talk. He knew that each Couple thought that its own particular Cherub w...
The Fable Of The Open Champion, The Ver : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE OPEN CHAMPION, THE VERANDA FIXTURE AND THE ONCE-A-WEEKER FROM TOWN THE so-called Guests at a Summer Hotel put in most of their time changing Clothes and inquiring for Mail. Grand View was the Name of the Hotel because, by climbing...
The Fable Of The Good Fairy Of The Eighth : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE GOOD FAIRY OF THE EIGHTH WARD AND THE DOLLAR EXCURSION OF THE STEAM-FITTERS MONNYHAN lived right up in the City where they try to put two Houses on one Lot. The Name of the Thoroughfare was Kidd Street. It was in the Eighth Ward...
The Fable Of The Cousin From Down East Who : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE COUSIN FROM DOWN EAST WHO HAD HIS PICK OF THE VILLAGE LILACS THERE was once a woman with a Mayflower Ancestry who had a wonderful Cousin named Adelbert. This Woman used to keep Adelbert's Photo propped up on the Baby Grand and she...
The Fable Of The Old Merchant, The Sleuth : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE OLD MERCHANT, THE SLEUTH & THE TAPIOCA A HIGH-PRICED Detective was sitting in his Lair, trying to look Mysterious, when there came to him a gray-muzzled old Business Man. The Latter was noted for his Probity, his Keenness...
The Fable Of The Knowing Friend Who Tipped : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE KNOWING FRIEND WHO TIPPED OFF HER STAR RECIPE IN a shady Street there dwelt two Maidens who had their Traps set and baited. "Come on, Boys," is what it said over the Door. They were at the Age when they lived on Caramels...
The Fable Of The General Manager Of The Love : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE GENERAL MANAGER OF THE LOVE AFFAIR WHO DEMANDED A FURLOUGH THREE Days before the Wedding was to be Pulled Off, Cupid sat on a Mantel in the Bache1 br's Apartment and made a few Remarks to the scared Bridegroom. "Old Pal, you are...
The Fable Of The Girl Who Could Compromise : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE GIRL WHO COULD COMPROMISE IN A PINCH SENTIMENTAL Totty told the Girl Friends all about her kind of Man. She said she would drop the Flag on all Farmers. If she couldn't get one in the Scratch Division she would do without. "The M...
The Fable Of The Man Who Was Going To Retire : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE MAN WHO WAS GOING TO RETIRE A BUSINESS Slave was pulling like a Turk so that his Wife could wear three Rings on every Finger. Also, he wanted to put aside something for a Rainy Day. He put it aside as if expecting another Deluge. He...
The Fable Of The All Night Seance : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE ALL-NIGHT SEANCE & THE LIMIT THAT CEASED TO BE FOUR reputable Business Men sat down at the Green Baize to flirt with the Goddess of Fortune for one Hour, no more, no less. The Married Men did not want to go Home too early for fear...
The Fable Of The Third And Last Call : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE THIRD & LAST CALL A PUBLIC Official presiding at a Marriage-License Counter put his Head through the Window and shouted "Next!" There sidled up a well-seasoned Girlie who said she would take a 2 Writ of Attachment which she might use...
The Fable Of Woman's True Friend : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF WOMAN'S TRUE FRIEND & THE HOPEFUL ANTIQUE THE Beauty Doctor sat in her Pink Reception Room hoping that she resembled her Lithographs. Her Income was a Dollar every time he took a Full Breath. She got it by selling Freckle Food...
The Fable Of The Hungry Man From Bird Center : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE HUNGRY MAN FROM BIRD CENTER AND THE TRANS-ATLANTIC TOUCH IN one of the Regular Stops on a Spur Line of a Western Road, there lived a Man who wanted to see Europe. Somebody had told him that Travelling broadens one. He had six weeks...
Untitled : FORTY MODERN FABLES BY GEORGE ADE [1901] This is a set of 'fractured fables' written on the cusp of the 20th century. Written in breezy vernacular style, these tales are timeless, even if some of the slang and cultural references have passed into obscurity in the intervening century. Title Page...
The Fable Of The Brotherhood Of States : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE BROTHERHOOD OF STATES & THE WIFE WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE JUBILEE HUBBY had promised to be home early for Dinner. He had one Foot on the Step of the StreetCar when he happened to remember that his Wife had told him to bring home...
The Fable Of Springfield's Fairest Flower : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF SPRINGFIELD'S FAIREST FLOWER AND LONESOME AGNES WHO WAS CRAFTY SPRINGFIELD had a Girl who was being Courted by a Syndicate. She was the Girl who took First Prize at the Business Men's Carnival. When the Sunday Paper ran a whole Page...
The Fable Of The Girl With A Handicap Who : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE GIRL WITH A HANDICAP WHO HAD TO LOCK UP HER PARENTS HERE we have a Fable regarding a Nice Girl who liked to have Young Men drop in of an Evening. She always used them the best she knew how and she might have closed a Deal early...
The Fable Of The Crustacean Who Tried To Find Out : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE CRUSTACEAN WHO TRIED TO FIND OUT BY READING A BOOK ONCE there was a Man who lived in the same Hall Bed-Room for 14 Years. It was a snug little Box-Stall. There were raspy Lace Curtains on the Windows. The Man used to scratch Matches...
The Fable Of Alexander From Up The Road Whose : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF ALEXANDER FROM UP THE ROAD WHOSE WIFE TOOK HIM OVER THE JUMPS ONCE there was a Man named Alexander who lived in a Town that vibrated with Excitement for a full Week after a Donation Party. Most of the Town seemed to be waiting for a High...
The Fable Of The Day's Work And The Morning After : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE DAY'S WORK & THE MORNING AFTER PROMPTLY at 7.30 the Alarm Clock went off. The Rounder sat on the Edge of his Bed and wondered if there was Anything in it. His Tongue felt like a Rug. He was afraid to work his Face for fear it would...
The Fable Of The Household Comedi : * "Forty Modern Fables", by George Ade, [1901], THE FABLE OF THE HOUSEHOLD COMEDIAN & THE LADY SHOPPER'S UNEXPECTED COME BACK A HUSBAND worked up many Grinds on the Better Half. For example, he thought it was great Sport to tell how she would do a Sheridan's Ride to a Department Store, just as if...