Tom Thumb The Great
*
An Arthurian Miscellany
Though small in its subject, this "tragedy of tragedies" has engaged the attention of two dramatic writers: its original parent, HenryFielding, our celebrated novelist, brought it on the Haymarket stage, in the year 1730, when it met with great success. This burlesque may be considered almost the best that ever appeared. It is, also, a proper sequel to the Duke of Buckingham's Rehearsal; as it embraces and satirises the absurdities of almost all the writers of tragedy from the period when that piece stops. The love-scenes, rage, marriage, battle, and catastrophe, are such forcible imitations of the rules observed by the tragic writers of that time, that the satire conveyed in them cannot escape the observation of any one conversant with the writers of the last century,* and to those who do not comprehend every turn its humour, it will always appear agreeable.
In Mr. O'Hara's alteration of this piece of true burlesque, he has certainly, allowing for its compression, preserved the points of the original, and presented an entertainment that maintains its credit undiminished on the stage.
" Characters in Fielding's Original Piece entitled, "The Tragedy of Tragedies; or the Life and Death of Tom Thumb the Great," as performed at the Haymarket, 1730."
King Arthur , a passionate sort of King, husband to Queen Dollallolla, of whom he stands a little in fear; father to Huncamunca, whom he is very fond of; and in love with Glumdalca.................................................... \" Mr. Mullart".
Tom Thumb The Great , a little hero with a great soul, something violent in his temper, which is a little abated by his love for Huncamunca....................................................................................................................................... \" Young Verhuyck".
Ghost Of Gaffer Thumb , a whimsical sort of Ghost.............................................................. \" Mr. Lacy".
Lord Grizzle , extremely zealous for the liberty of the subject, very choleric in his temper, and in love with Huncamunca...................................................................................................................................... \" Mr. Jones".
Merlin , a Conjurer, and in some sort father to Thumb.....................................................................\" Mr. Hallam".
Noodle , { Courtiers in place, and consequently of that part that is uppermost................................} \" Mr. Reynolds".
Doodle , {....................................................................................................................................} \" Mr. Wathan".
Foodle , a Courtier that is out of place, and consequently of that party that is undermost................... \" Mr. Ayres".
Bailiff , { Of the party of the plaintiff,.....................................................................................} \" Mr. Peterson"
Follower , {...............................................................................................................................} \" Mr. Hicks".
Parson , of the side of the church,.................................................................................................... \" Mr. Watson".
Queen Dollallolla , wife to King Arthur, and mother to Huncamunca; a woman entirely faultless, saving that she is a little given to drink; a little too much a virago towards her husband, and in love with Tom Thumb................................... \" Mrs. Mullart".
The Princess Huncamunca , daughter to their Majesties King Arthur and Queen Dollallolla, of a very sweet, gentle, and amorous disposition, equally in love with Lord Grizzle and Tom Thumb, and desirous to be married to them both..... " Mrs. Jones".
Glumdalca , of the Giants, a captive Queen, beloved by the King, but in love with Tom Thumb,........................ \" Mrs. Dove".
Cleora , { Maids of Honour, in love with................................................................................ }Noodle.
Mustacha , {...............................................................................................................................} Doodle.
Courtiers, Guards, Rebels, Drums, Trumpets, Thunder and Lightning.
Scene.--The Court of King Arthur, and a Plain thereabouts.
*Fielding's original, with his notes by Scriblerus Secundus, the Preface, &c. form a fund of sterling satire on the criticisms of his contemporaries, and on the works of former writers of tragedies.
Haymarket, 1810
Dramatis Person
King Arthur,.................\" Mr. Dowton".
Tom Thumb,...................\" Master West".
Merlin,..........................\" Mr. Denman".
Lord Grizzle,................\" Mr. Liston".
Noodle,.........................\" Mr. Taylor".
Doodle,.........................\" Mr. Grove".
Ghost,............................\" Mr. Denman".
Women
Queen Dollallolla,............\" Mrs. Liston".
Princess Huncamunca,.........\" Mrs. Taylor".
Glumdalca,.........................\" Miss Leserve".
Frizaletta,............................\" Miss Vining".
Plumante,..............................\" Mrs. Kendal".
Act I.
Scene I.--\" A Palace Yard".
" Enter" DOODLE " on one side of the stage, and" NOODLE " on the other; after a long obeisance, they embrace".
Duet.
\" DOOD" Sure such a day,
So renown'd, so victorious--
Such a day as this was never seen;
Courtiers so gay
And the mob so uproarious--
Nature seems to wear a universal grin.
" NOOD." Arthur to Doll
Is grown bobbish and uxorious;
While both she and Huncamunca tipple, talking tawdry;
Even Mr. Sol,
So tifted out, so glorious,
Glitters like a beau in a new birth-day embroidery.
" DOOD." Oh, 'tis a day
Of jublilee, cajollery;
A day we never saw before;
A day of fun and drollery.
" NOOD." That you may say,
Their majesties may boast of it;
And since it never can come more
'Tis fit they make the most of it.
" DOOD." Oh, 'tis a day, &c.
" NOOD." That you may say, &c.
" DOOD." Sure such a day, &c.
" NOOD." Courtiers so gay, --to-day the mighty Thumb
Returns triumphant.--Captive giants swarm
Like bees behind his ear. [" Flourish of trumpets".
" NOOD." These trumpets speak the king at levee--I go.
" DOOD." And I also--to offer my petition.
" NOOD." Doodle, do. [" Exit."
Scene Ii.--\" Inside of the Palace."
" The" KING " and" QUEEN " SEATED on a throne." --
Lord Grizzle, \" Courtiers, and Attendants." --
Doodle \" and" NOODLE " apart".
" KING." Let no face but a face of joy be seen!
The man, who this day frowns, shall lose his head,
That he may have no face to frown withal--
Smile, Dollallolla! [" Kisses her."
" DOOD. [Kneeling.] " Dread liege,
This petition--
" KING. [Dashes it away.]" Petition me no petitions, Sir, to-day;
To-day, it is our pleasure--to be drunk,
And this our queen shall be as drunk as we.
" QUEEN." Is't so? why then perdition catch the failers!
Let's have a row, and get as drunk as sailors.
Air.--queen.
What though I now am half seas o'er,
I scorn to balk this bout,
Of stiff rack-punch fetch bowls a score,
'Fore George, I'll see them out.
What though,
No drop of brandy, gin, or rum,
Should pass these royal lips,
But, Sir, martial music."
" Enter" Tom Thumb, \" Attendants, and" Glumdalca, \" in chains."
Welcome, thrice welcome, mighty Thomas Thumb!
Thou tiny hero--pigmy giant queller!
What gratitude can thank away the debt
Thy valour puts upon us.
" [Takes him up and embraces him."
" QUEEN." Oh! ye gods! " [Aside."
" TOM." When I'm not thank'd at all I'm thank'd enough--
I've done my duty, and I've done no more " [Bows."
" QUEEN." Was ever such a godlike creature seen?
" KING." Thy modesty's a flambeau to thy merit;
It shines itself, and shows thy merit too.
O Tommy, Tommy Thumb! what to thy prowess do we owe!
Ask some reward--great as we can bestow.
" TOM." I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;
I ask not money, money I've enough:
If this be called a debt, take my receipt in full:
I ask but this, to sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes,
" KING. [Aside.]" Prodigious bold request!
" QUEEN." Be still, my soul!--
" KING. [After a pause.]" It is resolv'd
The princess is thy own! [To Thumb.
\" TOM." O happy Tommy! super-happy Thumb.
Whisper, ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine!
The bloody bus'ness of grim war is o'er,
And beauty, heavenly beauty, crowns my toils.
Air.--tom.
As when the chimney-sweeper
Has, all the live-long day,
Through darksome paths a creeper,
Pursued his sooty way:
At night, to wash in water
His hands and face he flies;
And, in his t'other tatter,
With his Brickdusta lies.
" [Exit;--flourish of Trumpets."
" KING." [" Looking fondly at" Glumdalca.] I feel
a sudden pain across my breast; " [Aside."
Nor know I whether it proceeds from love
Or the wind--cholic--but time will show.--Huge--our queen of hearts!
Sure thou wert form'd by all the gods in council;
Who, having made a lucky hit beyond their journey-work,
Cry'd out--"This is a woman!"
" GLUM." Then were the gods confoundedly mistaken.
We are a giantess--I tell thee, Arthur,
We yesterday were both a queen and wife;
One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway;
Twenty wher were wedded to ourself.
" QUEEN." Oh, bless'd perogative of giantism!
" [Aside."
" KING." Oh! vast queen!--Think our court thine own;
Call for whate'er thou lik'st--there's nought to pay,
Nor art thou captive, but thy captive we.
" [Takes off her chains."
" QUEEN. [Aside.]" Ha! Arthur faithless!
This gag my rival, too, in dear Tom Thumb!
Revenge!--but I'll dissemble--
Madam, believe that with a woman's eye
I view your loss--take comfort--for, to-morrow
Our grenadiers shall be called out, then choose
As many husbands as you think you'll want.
" GLUM." Madam, I rest your much obliged and very humble servant. " [Exit."
" QUEEN." Though greater yet Tom's boasted merit was,
He shall not have my daughter, that is pos.
[" Advancing to the" King.
\" KING." Ha! say'st thou?
" QUEEN." Yes, I say he sha'n't.
" KING." How, sha'n't!
Now by our royal self, we swear--I'll be damn'd, but he shall.
Air.--queen.
Then tremble all, who weddings ever made,
And tremble more who did this match persuade;
For, like a worried cat, I'll spit, I'll squall,
I'll scratch, I'll tear the eyes out of ye all.
[" The" KING " throws his hat at the" Queen.
[Exeunt QUEEN and Ladies.
\" DOOD." Her majesty, the queen, is in a passion.
" KING." She may be damn'd. Who cares? We were indeed
A pretty king of clouts, were we to truckle
To all her maudlin humours.
Air.--king.
We kings, who are in our senses,
Mock our consorts violences;
Pishing at their moods and tenses,
Our own will we follow
If the husband, once gives way
To his wife's capricious sway,
For his breeches he next day
May go whoop and hollow. [" Exeunt."
Scene Iii.--\" The outside of the Palace."
" Enter" Lord Grizzle.
\" GRIZ." Arthur wrongs me!
Cheats me of my Huncamunca!
Rouse thee, Grizzle! 'Sblood, I'll be a rebel.
Alas! What art thou, honour?
A Monmouth--street laced coat, gracing to-day
My back; to-morrow glittering on another's--
To arms! to arms!
" Enter" QUEEN, " in a rage."
" QUEEN." Teach me to scold, O Grizzle!
" GRIZ." Scold, would my queen?--Say, ah! wherefore!
" QUEEN." Wherefore!
Faggots and fire--my daughter to Tom Thumb!
" GRIZ." I'll mince the atom into countless pieces.
" QUEEN." Oh! no; prevent the match, but hurt not him--
Him!--thou!--thou kill the man
Who kill'd the giants?
" GRIZ." Giants?--why, Madam, 'tis all flummery:
He made the giants first, and then he kill'd them.
" QUEEN." How! hast thou seen no giants? Are there not
Now in our yard ten thousand proper giants?
" GRIZ." Madam, shall I tell you what I am going to say? I do not positively know, but as near as
I can guess, I cannot tell; though I firmly do believe there is not one.
" QUEEN." Out from my sight, base Pickthank, hie, begone!
By all my stars, thou enviest Tom Thumb.
" GRIZ." Yes, yes, I go; but, Madam, know
(Since your majesty's so pert)
That a flood of Tommy's blood,
To allay this storm shall spurt.
[" Exeunt."
Scene Iv.--\" An Antechamber."
" The" KING, " on a Couch."
" KING." Methought
I heard a voice say, "Sleep no more!"
Glumdalca exiles sleep--and therefore, Arthur
Can sleep no more.
" The Ghost of" Gaffer Thumb rises, with a blue
lantern on a long staff.
" GHOST." Oh! Arthur! Arthur! Arthur!
Soon shalt thou sleep enough.
" KING." Ah! what art thou?
" GHOST." The ghost of Gaffer Thumb.
" KING." A ghost!--Stand off!
I'll have thee laid in the Red Sea.
" GHOST." Oh, Arthur! take heed.
My thread is spun--list, list, oh, list!
Air.--ghost.
Pale death is prowling,
Dire omens, scowling,.
Doom thee to slaughter,
Thee, thy wife, and daughter.
Furies are growling,
With horrid groans;
Grizzle's rebellion,
What need I tell you on?
Or by a red cow,
Tom Thumb devoured?
Hark! the cock crowing. [" Cock crows."
I must be going,
I can no more. [" Vanishes."
" KING." No more! and why no more, or why so much?
Better quite ignorant, than half instructed.
By Jove, this bo-peep ghost makes game of us;
Therefore, Fate, keep your secret to yourself.
Air.--king.
Such a fine king as I don't fear your threats of a rush,
Do show your sweet phiz again, and I'll quickly call up a blush,
For I am up, up, up,
But you are down, down, down,
Do pop up your nob again,
And 'egad I'll crack your crown.
Who cares for you, Mr. Ghost? or all that you can do;
I laugh at your stupid threats, and your cock-a-doodle do; [" Cock crows."
For I am up, up, up,
But you are down, down, down;
Draw your sword like a man,
Or I'll box you for a crown.
Rum ti iddity,
For that you sha'n't need bid me twice hence,
I'll be there, and here, in a crack.
Hey ting,
My heart's on the wing,
I now could leap over the moon,
Let the chaplain
Set us grap'ling.
And we'll stock a baby-house soon.
" HUNC." Oh!
" GRIZ." Ah! [" Exit."
" Enter" Tom Thumb.
\" TOM." Where is my Huncamunca? where's my princess?
Where those bright eyes, the card-matches of Cupid,
That light up all with love my waxen soul?
" HUNC." Put out the light, nor waste thy little taper.
" TOM." Put out the light? impossible!
As well Sir Solomon might put out his rush-light.
" HUNC." I am to Lord Grizzle promis'd.
" TOM." Promis'd!
" HUNC." Too sure, 'tis enter'd in fate's journal.
" TOM." Enter'd.
Zounds! I'll tear out the leaf--I'll blot the page
--I'll burn the book.
I tell thee, princess, had I been thy help-mate,
We soon had peopled this whole realm with Thumbs.
" HUNC." O fie! I shudder at the gross idea!
" TOM." Then go we to the king--let him decide,
Whether you shall be Grizzle's or my bride.
" [Going out hand-in-hand, are met by" Glumdalca.
\" GLUM." Stop, brandy-nose! hopest thou the wight,
Who once hath worn my easy chains, will toil in thine?
" HUNC." Easy, no doubt, by twenty husbands worn.
" TOM." In the balcony which o'erhangs the stage,
I've seen one wench two 'prentices engage:
This half-a-crown doth in his fingers hold,
That just lets peep a little bit of gold.
Miss, the half-guinea wisely doth purloin,
And scorns the bigger, and the baser, coin.
Trio.
\" GLUM." Oh! the vixen pigmy brat,
Of inches scarce half six;
To slight me for a chit like that,
Ah! Mr. Tom, are these your tricks?
" HUNC." Oh! the coarse salacious trull,
Who giant paramours twice ten
To bed can pull,
With hugs can lull,
Yet still would gull
Young gentlemen.
" TOM." Little though I be,
I scorn the sturdy strum;
Nor ever she,
My dear from thee
Shall debauch thy own Tom Thumb.
" GLUM." Oh! the vixen, &c.
" HUNC." Oh! the coarse, &c.
" TOM." Little though I be,
The Queen Dollallolla's as drunk as a sow,
In bed with Tom Thumb, Huncamunca.
" Enter" Lord Grizzle, \" hastily".
" GRIZ." If this be true, all women kind are damn'd.
" NOOD." If it be not, may I be damn'd myself.
[" Exit".
" GRIZ." Then, get out, patience! oh, I'm whirlwind all;
Havoc, let loose the dogs of war, hallo! [" Exit".
Scene Ii.--\" A Chamber in the Palace".
" Enter" Queen.
\" QUEEN." Ah! wherefore from his Dollallolla's arms.
Doth Arthur steal? Why all alone,
And in the dark, leave her, whose feeble nerves
He knows are harrow'd up with fears of spirits?
" Enter" King.
\" KING." We hop'd the fumes, sweet queen, of last night's punch,
Had glued they lovely eyes; but, ah! we find
There is no power in drams to quiet wives.
" Enter" Noodle.
\" NOOD." Long life to both your majesties,--if life
Be worth a fig--Lord Grizzle, at the head
Of a rebellious rout, invests the palace;
He swears--unless the princess straight
Be yielded up, with Tom Thumb's pate,
About your ears he will beat down the gate.
" KING." The devil he will!--but see the princess!
" Enter" Huncamunca.
Say, where's the mighty Thumb, our sword and buckler?
Though 'gainst us men and giants league with gods:
Yet Thumb alone is equal to more odds.
" HUNC." About an hour and a half ago
Tom sallied forth to meet the foe,
And soon, who's who, he'll make them know.
" KING." Oh! oh!
Come Dollallolla: Huncamunca, come;
Within, we'll wait in whole skins for Tom Thumb.
[" Exeunt".
Scene Iii.--\" A Plain".
" Enter" Lord Grizzle, Noodle, and Rebels.
[A March.]
" GRIZ." Thus far with victory our arms are crown'd;
For, though we have not fought, yet have we found
No enemy to fight withal.
[" Drums and Trumpets".
" Enter" Thumb, Doodle, \" and Soldiers".
" TOM." Art thou the man, whom men fam'd Grizzle call?
" GRIZ." Art thou the much more fam'd Tom Thumb the small?
" TOM." The same.
" GRIZ." The same.
" TOM." His prowess now each prove.
" GRIZ." For liberty I stand.
" TOM." And I for love
" [A battle between the two armies" ; they fight off.
Enter Glumdalca, \" and meets" Grizzle, \" while fighting" Thumb.
\" GLUM." Turn, coward, turn! nor from a woman fly!
" GRIZ." Thou art unworthy of my arm.
" GLUM." Am I?
Have at thy heart then!
[" Thrusts at, but misses him".
" GRIZ." Rampant queen of sluts!
Now have at thine. [" Strikes".
" GLUM." [" Falling".] You've run me through the guts.
" GRIZ." Then there's an end of one. [" Going."
[" Is met by" Tom Thumb, \" who runs him through".
" TOM." An end of two,
Thou hast it. [" Exit".
" GRIZ." Oh, Tom Thumb! [" Falls".] thy soul beshrew!
I die--Ambition! the fates have made their tour,
And the black cart is waiting at the door.
Air.--lord Grizzle.
My body is a bankrupt's shop,
My cruel creditor, grim Death;
Who puts to life's brisk trade a stop,
And will be paid with my last breath.--
Oh! Oh! Oh! [" Dies".
" Enter" Tom Thumb \" and Attendants".
" TOM." Bear off the carcasses; lop off his knob,
'Twill witness to the king Tom Thumb's good job;
Rebellion's dead, and now--I'll go to breakfast.
[ Exit.
[Attendants lay hold of Grizzle.
\" GRIZ." Why dost thou call me from the peaceful grave?
" ATTEND." Sir, we came to bear your body off.
" GRIZ." Then I'll bear it off myself. [" Exeunt".
Scene Iv.-- The Presence-chamber.
Enter King Arthur, Queen Dollallolla, Princess
Huncamunca, Doodle, Plumante, Frizaletta,
\" and Attendants".
" KING." Open the prisons, set the wretched free
And bid our treasurer disburse five guineas
To pay their debts.--Let our arch necromancer,
Sage Merlin, straight attend us:--we the while
Will view the triumph of our son-in-law.
" HUNC." Take note, Sir, that on this our wedding-day
Two victories hath my gallant husband won.
" Enter" Noodle.
\" NOOD." Oh, monstrous, dreadful, terrible! oh! oh!
" KING." What means the blockhead?
" NOOD." But to grace my tale with decent horror:
Tom Thumb is no more!
A huge red cow, larger than the largest size, just now i'the open street,
Before my eyes, devour'd the great Tom Thumb!
[" A general groan".
" KING." Shut, shut again the prisons:
Let our tresurer
Not issue out three farthings. Hang all the culprits,
And bid the schoolmasters whip all their little boys.
" NOOD." Her majesty the queen is in a swoon.
" QUEEN." Not so much in a swoon, but to have still
Strength to reward the messenger of ill.
[queen \" kills" Noodle.
\" FRIZ." My lover kill'd--
His death I thus revenge. [" Kills the" Queen.
\" HUNC." Kill my mamma!
O base assassin! there! [" Kills" Frizaletta.
\" DOOD." For that, take this! [" Kills" Hunca.
\" PLUM". And thou, take that. [" Kills" Doodle.
\" KING." Die, murderess vile! [" Kills" Plum.
Ah, Death makes a feast to-day,
And but reserves ourselves for his " bon bouche".
So when the boy, whom nurse from danger guards,
Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards;
Kings, queens, and knaves, tip one another down,
Till the whole pack lie scatter'd and o'erthrown.
Thus all our pack upon the floor is cast,
And my sole boast is, that I will die the last.
[" Stabs himself;--they all lie on the stage, dead".
Merlin \" rises.--Thunder and lightening".
Merlin. Blood, what a scene of slaughter's here!
But I'll soon shift it, never fear.
Gallants, behold! one touch of Merlin's magic,
Shall to gay comic change this dismal tragic.
[ Waves his wand.
Scene changes, and discovers the Cow.
First, at my word, thou horned cannibal,
Return again our England's Hannibal.
[" Thunder".
[thumb \" is thrown out of the Cow's mouth, and starts fiercely".]
Next to you, king, queen, lords, and commons,
I issue my hell-bilking summons.
Incantation.
Arise, ye groupes of drunken sots!
Who deal out deaths, you know not why;
No more of porter pots, or plots
Your senseless jealousy lay by.
Your souls cannot as yet be far
Upon their way to dreary night:
My power remands them.
[ They all start up as MERLIN touches them.
Enter Glumdalca \" and" Grizzle.
Here ends jar,
Live, love, and all this will be right.
" KING." [" To the" QUEEN.] One kind buss, my Dolly Queen;
When we two last parted,
We scarce hop'd to buss again;
My heart! lord, how it smarted!
" QUEEN." [" To the" KING.] Dear King Atty, pitty, patty,
Mine too went a fleeting;
Now we in a nipperkin
May toast this merry meeting.
" TOM." [" To" HUNC.] Come, my Hunky, come, my pet,
Love's in haste, don't stay him;
Deep we are in Hymen's debt,
And 'tis high time we pay him.
" HUNC." [" To" TOM.] Have, dear Tommy,
Pity on me;
I am by shame restricted;
Yet I obey,
So take your way
I must not contradict it.
" GRIZ." [" To" GLUM.] Grandest Glum, in my behoof,
To love's laws be pliant;
Me you'll find a man of proof,
Although not quite a giant.
" GLUM." [" To" GRIZ.] Indeed, Lord Griz,
Through for that phiz
Few amorous queens would choose you
Yet thus bereft,
Not one chum left,
I think I can't refuse you.
Merlin. Now love and live, and live and love.
" ALL." Sage Merlin's in the right on't;
Merlin. Each couple prove like hand in glove;
" ALL." Agreed.
Queen. 'Fore George, we'll make a night on't.
" ALL." Let discord cease,
Let all in peace
Go home and kiss their spouses;
Join hat and cap
In one loud clap,
And wish us crowded houses.
[" Exeunt".
An Arthurian Miscellany
Though small in its subject, this "tragedy of tragedies" has engaged the attention of two dramatic writers: its original parent, HenryFielding, our celebrated novelist, brought it on the Haymarket stage, in the year 1730, when it met with great success. This burlesque may be considered almost the best that ever appeared. It is, also, a proper sequel to the Duke of Buckingham's Rehearsal; as it embraces and satirises the absurdities of almost all the writers of tragedy from the period when that piece stops. The love-scenes, rage, marriage, battle, and catastrophe, are such forcible imitations of the rules observed by the tragic writers of that time, that the satire conveyed in them cannot escape the observation of any one conversant with the writers of the last century,* and to those who do not comprehend every turn its humour, it will always appear agreeable.
In Mr. O'Hara's alteration of this piece of true burlesque, he has certainly, allowing for its compression, preserved the points of the original, and presented an entertainment that maintains its credit undiminished on the stage.
" Characters in Fielding's Original Piece entitled, "The Tragedy of Tragedies; or the Life and Death of Tom Thumb the Great," as performed at the Haymarket, 1730."
King Arthur , a passionate sort of King, husband to Queen Dollallolla, of whom he stands a little in fear; father to Huncamunca, whom he is very fond of; and in love with Glumdalca.................................................... \" Mr. Mullart".
Tom Thumb The Great , a little hero with a great soul, something violent in his temper, which is a little abated by his love for Huncamunca....................................................................................................................................... \" Young Verhuyck".
Ghost Of Gaffer Thumb , a whimsical sort of Ghost.............................................................. \" Mr. Lacy".
Lord Grizzle , extremely zealous for the liberty of the subject, very choleric in his temper, and in love with Huncamunca...................................................................................................................................... \" Mr. Jones".
Merlin , a Conjurer, and in some sort father to Thumb.....................................................................\" Mr. Hallam".
Noodle , { Courtiers in place, and consequently of that part that is uppermost................................} \" Mr. Reynolds".
Doodle , {....................................................................................................................................} \" Mr. Wathan".
Foodle , a Courtier that is out of place, and consequently of that party that is undermost................... \" Mr. Ayres".
Bailiff , { Of the party of the plaintiff,.....................................................................................} \" Mr. Peterson"
Follower , {...............................................................................................................................} \" Mr. Hicks".
Parson , of the side of the church,.................................................................................................... \" Mr. Watson".
Queen Dollallolla , wife to King Arthur, and mother to Huncamunca; a woman entirely faultless, saving that she is a little given to drink; a little too much a virago towards her husband, and in love with Tom Thumb................................... \" Mrs. Mullart".
The Princess Huncamunca , daughter to their Majesties King Arthur and Queen Dollallolla, of a very sweet, gentle, and amorous disposition, equally in love with Lord Grizzle and Tom Thumb, and desirous to be married to them both..... " Mrs. Jones".
Glumdalca , of the Giants, a captive Queen, beloved by the King, but in love with Tom Thumb,........................ \" Mrs. Dove".
Cleora , { Maids of Honour, in love with................................................................................ }Noodle.
Mustacha , {...............................................................................................................................} Doodle.
Courtiers, Guards, Rebels, Drums, Trumpets, Thunder and Lightning.
Scene.--The Court of King Arthur, and a Plain thereabouts.
*Fielding's original, with his notes by Scriblerus Secundus, the Preface, &c. form a fund of sterling satire on the criticisms of his contemporaries, and on the works of former writers of tragedies.
Haymarket, 1810
Dramatis Person
King Arthur,.................\" Mr. Dowton".
Tom Thumb,...................\" Master West".
Merlin,..........................\" Mr. Denman".
Lord Grizzle,................\" Mr. Liston".
Noodle,.........................\" Mr. Taylor".
Doodle,.........................\" Mr. Grove".
Ghost,............................\" Mr. Denman".
Women
Queen Dollallolla,............\" Mrs. Liston".
Princess Huncamunca,.........\" Mrs. Taylor".
Glumdalca,.........................\" Miss Leserve".
Frizaletta,............................\" Miss Vining".
Plumante,..............................\" Mrs. Kendal".
Act I.
Scene I.--\" A Palace Yard".
" Enter" DOODLE " on one side of the stage, and" NOODLE " on the other; after a long obeisance, they embrace".
Duet.
\" DOOD" Sure such a day,
So renown'd, so victorious--
Such a day as this was never seen;
Courtiers so gay
And the mob so uproarious--
Nature seems to wear a universal grin.
" NOOD." Arthur to Doll
Is grown bobbish and uxorious;
While both she and Huncamunca tipple, talking tawdry;
Even Mr. Sol,
So tifted out, so glorious,
Glitters like a beau in a new birth-day embroidery.
" DOOD." Oh, 'tis a day
Of jublilee, cajollery;
A day we never saw before;
A day of fun and drollery.
" NOOD." That you may say,
Their majesties may boast of it;
And since it never can come more
'Tis fit they make the most of it.
" DOOD." Oh, 'tis a day, &c.
" NOOD." That you may say, &c.
" DOOD." Sure such a day, &c.
" NOOD." Courtiers so gay, --to-day the mighty Thumb
Returns triumphant.--Captive giants swarm
Like bees behind his ear. [" Flourish of trumpets".
" NOOD." These trumpets speak the king at levee--I go.
" DOOD." And I also--to offer my petition.
" NOOD." Doodle, do. [" Exit."
Scene Ii.--\" Inside of the Palace."
" The" KING " and" QUEEN " SEATED on a throne." --
Lord Grizzle, \" Courtiers, and Attendants." --
Doodle \" and" NOODLE " apart".
" KING." Let no face but a face of joy be seen!
The man, who this day frowns, shall lose his head,
That he may have no face to frown withal--
Smile, Dollallolla! [" Kisses her."
" DOOD. [Kneeling.] " Dread liege,
This petition--
" KING. [Dashes it away.]" Petition me no petitions, Sir, to-day;
To-day, it is our pleasure--to be drunk,
And this our queen shall be as drunk as we.
" QUEEN." Is't so? why then perdition catch the failers!
Let's have a row, and get as drunk as sailors.
Air.--queen.
What though I now am half seas o'er,
I scorn to balk this bout,
Of stiff rack-punch fetch bowls a score,
'Fore George, I'll see them out.
What though,
No drop of brandy, gin, or rum,
Should pass these royal lips,
But, Sir, martial music."
" Enter" Tom Thumb, \" Attendants, and" Glumdalca, \" in chains."
Welcome, thrice welcome, mighty Thomas Thumb!
Thou tiny hero--pigmy giant queller!
What gratitude can thank away the debt
Thy valour puts upon us.
" [Takes him up and embraces him."
" QUEEN." Oh! ye gods! " [Aside."
" TOM." When I'm not thank'd at all I'm thank'd enough--
I've done my duty, and I've done no more " [Bows."
" QUEEN." Was ever such a godlike creature seen?
" KING." Thy modesty's a flambeau to thy merit;
It shines itself, and shows thy merit too.
O Tommy, Tommy Thumb! what to thy prowess do we owe!
Ask some reward--great as we can bestow.
" TOM." I ask not kingdoms, I can conquer those;
I ask not money, money I've enough:
If this be called a debt, take my receipt in full:
I ask but this, to sun myself in Huncamunca's eyes,
" KING. [Aside.]" Prodigious bold request!
" QUEEN." Be still, my soul!--
" KING. [After a pause.]" It is resolv'd
The princess is thy own! [To Thumb.
\" TOM." O happy Tommy! super-happy Thumb.
Whisper, ye winds, that Huncamunca's mine!
The bloody bus'ness of grim war is o'er,
And beauty, heavenly beauty, crowns my toils.
Air.--tom.
As when the chimney-sweeper
Has, all the live-long day,
Through darksome paths a creeper,
Pursued his sooty way:
At night, to wash in water
His hands and face he flies;
And, in his t'other tatter,
With his Brickdusta lies.
" [Exit;--flourish of Trumpets."
" KING." [" Looking fondly at" Glumdalca.] I feel
a sudden pain across my breast; " [Aside."
Nor know I whether it proceeds from love
Or the wind--cholic--but time will show.--Huge--our queen of hearts!
Sure thou wert form'd by all the gods in council;
Who, having made a lucky hit beyond their journey-work,
Cry'd out--"This is a woman!"
" GLUM." Then were the gods confoundedly mistaken.
We are a giantess--I tell thee, Arthur,
We yesterday were both a queen and wife;
One hundred thousand giants own'd our sway;
Twenty wher were wedded to ourself.
" QUEEN." Oh, bless'd perogative of giantism!
" [Aside."
" KING." Oh! vast queen!--Think our court thine own;
Call for whate'er thou lik'st--there's nought to pay,
Nor art thou captive, but thy captive we.
" [Takes off her chains."
" QUEEN. [Aside.]" Ha! Arthur faithless!
This gag my rival, too, in dear Tom Thumb!
Revenge!--but I'll dissemble--
Madam, believe that with a woman's eye
I view your loss--take comfort--for, to-morrow
Our grenadiers shall be called out, then choose
As many husbands as you think you'll want.
" GLUM." Madam, I rest your much obliged and very humble servant. " [Exit."
" QUEEN." Though greater yet Tom's boasted merit was,
He shall not have my daughter, that is pos.
[" Advancing to the" King.
\" KING." Ha! say'st thou?
" QUEEN." Yes, I say he sha'n't.
" KING." How, sha'n't!
Now by our royal self, we swear--I'll be damn'd, but he shall.
Air.--queen.
Then tremble all, who weddings ever made,
And tremble more who did this match persuade;
For, like a worried cat, I'll spit, I'll squall,
I'll scratch, I'll tear the eyes out of ye all.
[" The" KING " throws his hat at the" Queen.
[Exeunt QUEEN and Ladies.
\" DOOD." Her majesty, the queen, is in a passion.
" KING." She may be damn'd. Who cares? We were indeed
A pretty king of clouts, were we to truckle
To all her maudlin humours.
Air.--king.
We kings, who are in our senses,
Mock our consorts violences;
Pishing at their moods and tenses,
Our own will we follow
If the husband, once gives way
To his wife's capricious sway,
For his breeches he next day
May go whoop and hollow. [" Exeunt."
Scene Iii.--\" The outside of the Palace."
" Enter" Lord Grizzle.
\" GRIZ." Arthur wrongs me!
Cheats me of my Huncamunca!
Rouse thee, Grizzle! 'Sblood, I'll be a rebel.
Alas! What art thou, honour?
A Monmouth--street laced coat, gracing to-day
My back; to-morrow glittering on another's--
To arms! to arms!
" Enter" QUEEN, " in a rage."
" QUEEN." Teach me to scold, O Grizzle!
" GRIZ." Scold, would my queen?--Say, ah! wherefore!
" QUEEN." Wherefore!
Faggots and fire--my daughter to Tom Thumb!
" GRIZ." I'll mince the atom into countless pieces.
" QUEEN." Oh! no; prevent the match, but hurt not him--
Him!--thou!--thou kill the man
Who kill'd the giants?
" GRIZ." Giants?--why, Madam, 'tis all flummery:
He made the giants first, and then he kill'd them.
" QUEEN." How! hast thou seen no giants? Are there not
Now in our yard ten thousand proper giants?
" GRIZ." Madam, shall I tell you what I am going to say? I do not positively know, but as near as
I can guess, I cannot tell; though I firmly do believe there is not one.
" QUEEN." Out from my sight, base Pickthank, hie, begone!
By all my stars, thou enviest Tom Thumb.
" GRIZ." Yes, yes, I go; but, Madam, know
(Since your majesty's so pert)
That a flood of Tommy's blood,
To allay this storm shall spurt.
[" Exeunt."
Scene Iv.--\" An Antechamber."
" The" KING, " on a Couch."
" KING." Methought
I heard a voice say, "Sleep no more!"
Glumdalca exiles sleep--and therefore, Arthur
Can sleep no more.
" The Ghost of" Gaffer Thumb rises, with a blue
lantern on a long staff.
" GHOST." Oh! Arthur! Arthur! Arthur!
Soon shalt thou sleep enough.
" KING." Ah! what art thou?
" GHOST." The ghost of Gaffer Thumb.
" KING." A ghost!--Stand off!
I'll have thee laid in the Red Sea.
" GHOST." Oh, Arthur! take heed.
My thread is spun--list, list, oh, list!
Air.--ghost.
Pale death is prowling,
Dire omens, scowling,.
Doom thee to slaughter,
Thee, thy wife, and daughter.
Furies are growling,
With horrid groans;
Grizzle's rebellion,
What need I tell you on?
Or by a red cow,
Tom Thumb devoured?
Hark! the cock crowing. [" Cock crows."
I must be going,
I can no more. [" Vanishes."
" KING." No more! and why no more, or why so much?
Better quite ignorant, than half instructed.
By Jove, this bo-peep ghost makes game of us;
Therefore, Fate, keep your secret to yourself.
Air.--king.
Such a fine king as I don't fear your threats of a rush,
Do show your sweet phiz again, and I'll quickly call up a blush,
For I am up, up, up,
But you are down, down, down,
Do pop up your nob again,
And 'egad I'll crack your crown.
Who cares for you, Mr. Ghost? or all that you can do;
I laugh at your stupid threats, and your cock-a-doodle do; [" Cock crows."
For I am up, up, up,
But you are down, down, down;
Draw your sword like a man,
Or I'll box you for a crown.
Rum ti iddity,
For that you sha'n't need bid me twice hence,
I'll be there, and here, in a crack.
Hey ting,
My heart's on the wing,
I now could leap over the moon,
Let the chaplain
Set us grap'ling.
And we'll stock a baby-house soon.
" HUNC." Oh!
" GRIZ." Ah! [" Exit."
" Enter" Tom Thumb.
\" TOM." Where is my Huncamunca? where's my princess?
Where those bright eyes, the card-matches of Cupid,
That light up all with love my waxen soul?
" HUNC." Put out the light, nor waste thy little taper.
" TOM." Put out the light? impossible!
As well Sir Solomon might put out his rush-light.
" HUNC." I am to Lord Grizzle promis'd.
" TOM." Promis'd!
" HUNC." Too sure, 'tis enter'd in fate's journal.
" TOM." Enter'd.
Zounds! I'll tear out the leaf--I'll blot the page
--I'll burn the book.
I tell thee, princess, had I been thy help-mate,
We soon had peopled this whole realm with Thumbs.
" HUNC." O fie! I shudder at the gross idea!
" TOM." Then go we to the king--let him decide,
Whether you shall be Grizzle's or my bride.
" [Going out hand-in-hand, are met by" Glumdalca.
\" GLUM." Stop, brandy-nose! hopest thou the wight,
Who once hath worn my easy chains, will toil in thine?
" HUNC." Easy, no doubt, by twenty husbands worn.
" TOM." In the balcony which o'erhangs the stage,
I've seen one wench two 'prentices engage:
This half-a-crown doth in his fingers hold,
That just lets peep a little bit of gold.
Miss, the half-guinea wisely doth purloin,
And scorns the bigger, and the baser, coin.
Trio.
\" GLUM." Oh! the vixen pigmy brat,
Of inches scarce half six;
To slight me for a chit like that,
Ah! Mr. Tom, are these your tricks?
" HUNC." Oh! the coarse salacious trull,
Who giant paramours twice ten
To bed can pull,
With hugs can lull,
Yet still would gull
Young gentlemen.
" TOM." Little though I be,
I scorn the sturdy strum;
Nor ever she,
My dear from thee
Shall debauch thy own Tom Thumb.
" GLUM." Oh! the vixen, &c.
" HUNC." Oh! the coarse, &c.
" TOM." Little though I be,
The Queen Dollallolla's as drunk as a sow,
In bed with Tom Thumb, Huncamunca.
" Enter" Lord Grizzle, \" hastily".
" GRIZ." If this be true, all women kind are damn'd.
" NOOD." If it be not, may I be damn'd myself.
[" Exit".
" GRIZ." Then, get out, patience! oh, I'm whirlwind all;
Havoc, let loose the dogs of war, hallo! [" Exit".
Scene Ii.--\" A Chamber in the Palace".
" Enter" Queen.
\" QUEEN." Ah! wherefore from his Dollallolla's arms.
Doth Arthur steal? Why all alone,
And in the dark, leave her, whose feeble nerves
He knows are harrow'd up with fears of spirits?
" Enter" King.
\" KING." We hop'd the fumes, sweet queen, of last night's punch,
Had glued they lovely eyes; but, ah! we find
There is no power in drams to quiet wives.
" Enter" Noodle.
\" NOOD." Long life to both your majesties,--if life
Be worth a fig--Lord Grizzle, at the head
Of a rebellious rout, invests the palace;
He swears--unless the princess straight
Be yielded up, with Tom Thumb's pate,
About your ears he will beat down the gate.
" KING." The devil he will!--but see the princess!
" Enter" Huncamunca.
Say, where's the mighty Thumb, our sword and buckler?
Though 'gainst us men and giants league with gods:
Yet Thumb alone is equal to more odds.
" HUNC." About an hour and a half ago
Tom sallied forth to meet the foe,
And soon, who's who, he'll make them know.
" KING." Oh! oh!
Come Dollallolla: Huncamunca, come;
Within, we'll wait in whole skins for Tom Thumb.
[" Exeunt".
Scene Iii.--\" A Plain".
" Enter" Lord Grizzle, Noodle, and Rebels.
[A March.]
" GRIZ." Thus far with victory our arms are crown'd;
For, though we have not fought, yet have we found
No enemy to fight withal.
[" Drums and Trumpets".
" Enter" Thumb, Doodle, \" and Soldiers".
" TOM." Art thou the man, whom men fam'd Grizzle call?
" GRIZ." Art thou the much more fam'd Tom Thumb the small?
" TOM." The same.
" GRIZ." The same.
" TOM." His prowess now each prove.
" GRIZ." For liberty I stand.
" TOM." And I for love
" [A battle between the two armies" ; they fight off.
Enter Glumdalca, \" and meets" Grizzle, \" while fighting" Thumb.
\" GLUM." Turn, coward, turn! nor from a woman fly!
" GRIZ." Thou art unworthy of my arm.
" GLUM." Am I?
Have at thy heart then!
[" Thrusts at, but misses him".
" GRIZ." Rampant queen of sluts!
Now have at thine. [" Strikes".
" GLUM." [" Falling".] You've run me through the guts.
" GRIZ." Then there's an end of one. [" Going."
[" Is met by" Tom Thumb, \" who runs him through".
" TOM." An end of two,
Thou hast it. [" Exit".
" GRIZ." Oh, Tom Thumb! [" Falls".] thy soul beshrew!
I die--Ambition! the fates have made their tour,
And the black cart is waiting at the door.
Air.--lord Grizzle.
My body is a bankrupt's shop,
My cruel creditor, grim Death;
Who puts to life's brisk trade a stop,
And will be paid with my last breath.--
Oh! Oh! Oh! [" Dies".
" Enter" Tom Thumb \" and Attendants".
" TOM." Bear off the carcasses; lop off his knob,
'Twill witness to the king Tom Thumb's good job;
Rebellion's dead, and now--I'll go to breakfast.
[ Exit.
[Attendants lay hold of Grizzle.
\" GRIZ." Why dost thou call me from the peaceful grave?
" ATTEND." Sir, we came to bear your body off.
" GRIZ." Then I'll bear it off myself. [" Exeunt".
Scene Iv.-- The Presence-chamber.
Enter King Arthur, Queen Dollallolla, Princess
Huncamunca, Doodle, Plumante, Frizaletta,
\" and Attendants".
" KING." Open the prisons, set the wretched free
And bid our treasurer disburse five guineas
To pay their debts.--Let our arch necromancer,
Sage Merlin, straight attend us:--we the while
Will view the triumph of our son-in-law.
" HUNC." Take note, Sir, that on this our wedding-day
Two victories hath my gallant husband won.
" Enter" Noodle.
\" NOOD." Oh, monstrous, dreadful, terrible! oh! oh!
" KING." What means the blockhead?
" NOOD." But to grace my tale with decent horror:
Tom Thumb is no more!
A huge red cow, larger than the largest size, just now i'the open street,
Before my eyes, devour'd the great Tom Thumb!
[" A general groan".
" KING." Shut, shut again the prisons:
Let our tresurer
Not issue out three farthings. Hang all the culprits,
And bid the schoolmasters whip all their little boys.
" NOOD." Her majesty the queen is in a swoon.
" QUEEN." Not so much in a swoon, but to have still
Strength to reward the messenger of ill.
[queen \" kills" Noodle.
\" FRIZ." My lover kill'd--
His death I thus revenge. [" Kills the" Queen.
\" HUNC." Kill my mamma!
O base assassin! there! [" Kills" Frizaletta.
\" DOOD." For that, take this! [" Kills" Hunca.
\" PLUM". And thou, take that. [" Kills" Doodle.
\" KING." Die, murderess vile! [" Kills" Plum.
Ah, Death makes a feast to-day,
And but reserves ourselves for his " bon bouche".
So when the boy, whom nurse from danger guards,
Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards;
Kings, queens, and knaves, tip one another down,
Till the whole pack lie scatter'd and o'erthrown.
Thus all our pack upon the floor is cast,
And my sole boast is, that I will die the last.
[" Stabs himself;--they all lie on the stage, dead".
Merlin \" rises.--Thunder and lightening".
Merlin. Blood, what a scene of slaughter's here!
But I'll soon shift it, never fear.
Gallants, behold! one touch of Merlin's magic,
Shall to gay comic change this dismal tragic.
[ Waves his wand.
Scene changes, and discovers the Cow.
First, at my word, thou horned cannibal,
Return again our England's Hannibal.
[" Thunder".
[thumb \" is thrown out of the Cow's mouth, and starts fiercely".]
Next to you, king, queen, lords, and commons,
I issue my hell-bilking summons.
Incantation.
Arise, ye groupes of drunken sots!
Who deal out deaths, you know not why;
No more of porter pots, or plots
Your senseless jealousy lay by.
Your souls cannot as yet be far
Upon their way to dreary night:
My power remands them.
[ They all start up as MERLIN touches them.
Enter Glumdalca \" and" Grizzle.
Here ends jar,
Live, love, and all this will be right.
" KING." [" To the" QUEEN.] One kind buss, my Dolly Queen;
When we two last parted,
We scarce hop'd to buss again;
My heart! lord, how it smarted!
" QUEEN." [" To the" KING.] Dear King Atty, pitty, patty,
Mine too went a fleeting;
Now we in a nipperkin
May toast this merry meeting.
" TOM." [" To" HUNC.] Come, my Hunky, come, my pet,
Love's in haste, don't stay him;
Deep we are in Hymen's debt,
And 'tis high time we pay him.
" HUNC." [" To" TOM.] Have, dear Tommy,
Pity on me;
I am by shame restricted;
Yet I obey,
So take your way
I must not contradict it.
" GRIZ." [" To" GLUM.] Grandest Glum, in my behoof,
To love's laws be pliant;
Me you'll find a man of proof,
Although not quite a giant.
" GLUM." [" To" GRIZ.] Indeed, Lord Griz,
Through for that phiz
Few amorous queens would choose you
Yet thus bereft,
Not one chum left,
I think I can't refuse you.
Merlin. Now love and live, and live and love.
" ALL." Sage Merlin's in the right on't;
Merlin. Each couple prove like hand in glove;
" ALL." Agreed.
Queen. 'Fore George, we'll make a night on't.
" ALL." Let discord cease,
Let all in peace
Go home and kiss their spouses;
Join hat and cap
In one loud clap,
And wish us crowded houses.
[" Exeunt".
